Well, needless to say, dating is very different for me now.

First of all, I have learned that dating is not just about the other person, it is about me!  Who am I???  What do I like???  What do I want??  I don’t know!  So I date and then decide.

For 37 years, I was the husband of Kathy.  But, now that she is deceased, I am just Ned, I guess.

Who am I?  What do I want?  What do I need?  I don’t know!!!  But, dating will help me figure that out.

Last, but not least, are the middle aged women with no children.

These are the empty nesters who are starting a new life.  And, many of them are very independent.

For many of these women, men are no longer needed.  They have learned to live on their own and many are financially independent.  And, so, they are only interested in a man for an occasional companion and nothing more.

The last things that most of these women are interested in is marriage.  Marriage would mean having another man in the house and learning to live with them.  Plus, marriage would mean giving up half of what they own.  And, they would loose their independence since the man would always be there as a factor in their every decision.  And, the longer that they have been single, the more likely it is that they are not interested in marriage.

So, these women, in general, don’t need a man in their life.  They have everything that they need.  The best that a  man can do with women like these is to offer them something that they don’t have but want.  The trick is to figure out what that might be.

With these women, their motto is “why buy the pig when all you need is a little sausage?”  So, you have to sell them on the importance of having some ribs too.

When  I first started dating, I was of the mind set that I didn’t really want a woman with children at home.  But, I also realized that I was eliminating a whole area of women that might be wonderful to be with.  After all, I love children, particularly those in their teens and 20s.

And while the divorce issues are still ever present, these kids are old enough to make their own decisions about the situation.  Plus, an older woman is more likely to be emotionally mature than a younger one.

On the down side, an older woman is more likely to be set in her ways.  This, of course, makes establishing a marriage much more difficult.

So, the challenge is to fit in with an established mother and children.  And, since they are the family and I am the outsider, I will need to make a whole lot of adjustments and concessions.

Being flexible is the name of this game.

Young women with children are a bit more complicated.  And while they are looking for a provider for them and their children, they have the added  complication of a third party, namely the father of the children.

And with the father of the children comes the issues of child support, custody and visitation.  And, when it doesn’t work, there will be fights and power struggles.

So, if I am lucky, dad will take off and never return.  But, that doesn’t happen very often.  So, I would be in the middle of any battles between her and her ex..

But, if I am looking to raise children, a young woman with children might be the best option for me.

Now that I am a widower, I am once again in the market for a mate.  And, that market could include young women with no children.

As an older man, I am well established.  I can provide financial security, medical insurance, a home and much more.  Plus, I am not likely to be cheating on my wife.

Women, in this age group, are more likely to adjust to a new way of life and be tolerant to change.  But, with this age group, they may move on once they are into their 30 leaving me alone again. So, this could be a problem.

Granted, I am old enough to be her father but if that doesn’t matter to her then it shouldn’t matter to me.

When I was married at age 22, the pool of perspective wives only covered a 5 year age span.  But, I now have a 40 year age span to choose from.

As I see it, there are four basic age groups:  Young with no children, young with young children, middle aged with older children and empty nesters.  And each group has their own needs and issues.

When I was married, all other women were off limits.  But, now that I am a widower, it is a whole different ball game.  And, I am having to make choices that I never dreamed I would be making. So, those 20 somethings are no longer off limits.

Life is good!

When ever you are dealing with someone who is divorced, you have to wonder just how damaged are they?

Now, this may sound crass but it is a reality.  Divorces are not pretty.  Beside the root causes of the divorce, such as the “she beat me up” or “he cheated on me” etc there is the dividing up the property and child custody.  And, all of these can impact the psychological make up of an individual.  And, no matter the root cause of the divorce, it is never, repeat, never a simple divorce!

So, what ever baggage they had in their first marriage, will get carried over into their next marriage, unless they have had some sort of formal counseling.  Unfortunately, most have not.

So, Caveat Emptor.

Why get married again?  This is a question that many older women must ask them selves.

When a woman is young, she is looking for a husband to father her children and provide support for her and them.  In short, a husband/father.

But, as a woman gets older, things change.  She no longer needs a man to give her children.  And, she could very well be financially independent.  So, if there is no need for children and she is financially independence, she no longer needs the committed relationship of a marriage.

After all, marriage means that she has to live with this guy 24X7.  She looses her independence and has to learn his little quirks.  So, she has to work at the relationship at a time when she could just say NO!

In fact, getting married could very well be emotionally and financially detrimental for her.  She stands to loose her independence both financial and lifestyle.  Plus, she will have to go through marital stress and the ultimate pain of a divorce.

So, why would any middle aged woman want to get married again?  That is a question that every middle aged man must ask himself.  And, if you don’t have something major to offer to the relationship, chances are you won’t find anyone to marry.

Whenever I meet a single woman, I have to ask myself  “why she is single?”

Some women that I know have never been married.  They simply are not interested in a commitment like marriage.  So, I guess that they would not be interested in marrying me.  Enough said.

Others are widows.  Widows are nice because their marriage ended do to no fault of their own.  Of course, if their spouse died in his sleep from mysterious causes, that would be a different matter.  But generally, widows, who are still interested in a spouse, are good choices.  After all, they did make their marriage work.

Divorced women are a crap shoot as the reason for the divorce varies vastly.  For some women, their husbands were just not committed to the relationship and left them for another woman.  For others, the woman ran off with another man only to realize their mistake.  And then there are the money issues which are ever looming.  How much debt does she have?  Dare I ask?  Did she, does she have a drinking problem?

Well, the list of possibilities is endless.  But, in the end, you have to decide who is the “Vic” and who is the “Perp” and most of the time, that is not entirely possible.

Good luck and keep your eyes open!!

Finally, eHarmony allows you to send 3 essay questions to your perspective match.  You can choose three canned questions or you can make up three questions of your own.  I personally choose to use my own three questions as they deal with topics that are the most important to me.

The first question that I ask is about their religious beliefs.  Church and religion are a big part of my life.  And while everyone claims to be a “Christian”  the term “Christian” functions that same as “none of the above.”  If you are not a Buddhist, Hindu, Muslim or Jew, you must be a Christian.  And, I have found that some of these matches that claim to be Christian have never attended a church in their life.  So, just to be on the safe side, I ask them to tell me about their faith.

The next question that I ask has to do with sex and intimacy.  I know that this may seem a little bold but here is the deal:  I am still sexually active and I expect my wife to also be sexually active.  And while this may seem to be obvious, some women are not interested in sex any more. So, just to be sure that we are both on the same page regarding sex, I will ask.

Finally, I ask about what they expect from the relationship. Some women are only interested in a traveling companion.  Some women are only interested in sex and nothing more.  While others are only interested in a domestic servant.  So, I need to ask.  That way, it reduces the potential for disappointment.

Of all of the parts of eHarmony, the Myer Briggs personality profile and the essay questions are the most pertinent.